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Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
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Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit