Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
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Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
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[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these