Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
You Might Also Like
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Wait for it
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.