@llvvzz: Twitter: "Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican"
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@Quartzjixler: My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN'T automatic. The human race is doomed.
@jngraphs: Wife: Where are you going? Me: Out. I can't stand being hemmed in by four walls. Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
@liv_thatsme: Me *gets interrupted mid-sentence* "Oh, hey sorry; finish your story." Me *employing my usual level of maturity*: No I don't want to now.