Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
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{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
notice
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I bet birds love this building.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
A leaf blower, but for people.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.