Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.