@NicestHippo: Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won't stand for it
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@aaroncoal: I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
@weinerdog4life: The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
@Ristolable: My friend and I were talking about food and he said "I'm not a big Chinese guy" and I was like "I know you're not"
@outsmartedmommy: The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It's only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.