girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?