[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
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[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Ugh but profoundly
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
this is what they would have looked like, though
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place