@missekay: 'Two can play that game...'
-people who dont understand that's how games usually work
@Squeeb_Slayer: Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper "I'd never do that to you"
@Parkerlawyer: "Why did you leave your last job?"
-I had a typo in a tweet.
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
"Thanks for coming in. Bye"
@SadMeterologist: HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
@DurtMcHurtt: I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
@davidkenny100: Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie:
"Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days"
"Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days"