‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Can Happiness buy money?
Breaking news:
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.