Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
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“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Ape together strong
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
never ask a starfish for directions
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…