[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me