Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?