[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
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*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
This has made my week.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]