Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
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Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.