*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
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Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
🌱🌱🌱
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!