Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
inside you are two wolves
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.