You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
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*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
The dark side of Canada
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Love this one 😂🧟
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!