@pinupteacher: Two people have knocked on my door this morning so I did what any grown adult would do and hid.
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@Donna_McCoy: [first date] Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping* Me: *gets up and leaves* (...comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
@abbycohenwl: Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby? Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
@SteveSuckington: "Tell me where the money is or else I kill the girl" -just to be clear, if I don't tell you she dies but I get to live right?