Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something