Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
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High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Taliband