@iGreenMonk: Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas, it was in vein.
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@squirrel74wkgn: My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
@BobTheSuit: CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone's iPhone? NSA: "U2's New Album"
@seancoleran: Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather? Me: Muggles....
@carlyken: "...until death do us part." *looks at minister* "What about a Walking Dead situation where she's a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?"