*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
You Might Also Like
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
no such thing as a dumb question
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.