“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Watson was Holmes schooled
Who’s your best friend?
Art by Pastelkatto
.. do you even science?
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion