Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
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SPLOOT
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then