Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.