Two submissives sitting in a tree.
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WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.