Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
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My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
i smell a pulitzer
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.