Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
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People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
based al yankovic
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Mmmm canned fish.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.