Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
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“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.