@ZachXJ: "Two thumbs up!" -man with 12 thumbs reviewing a movie he hated
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@Quartzjixler: Me: A coworker called me 'Papa Hemingway' today. Her: Because of your beard? Me: Well it wasn't because of my Nobel in Literature.
@hippieswordfish: [arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE
@justinshanes: I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, "Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!"
@Darlainky: Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine. Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don't sip wine.