Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
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Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
me irl
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.