My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Have a lovely day 😊
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Worst bar ever.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*