*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
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A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.