[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
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Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I feel seen.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I put the h in mysterious.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there