Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
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Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
won’t smith
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Print is alive and well!!!
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.