Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
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Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no