Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
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Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.