Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
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Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
“That’s what” – She
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.