you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
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[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
There is no “we” in chocolate.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask