[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
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I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
i think we should see other cousins
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell