Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
You Might Also Like
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.