“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
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list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.