Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
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Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
don’t be scared
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.