u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”