u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
You Might Also Like
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
bad news gang
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
What an awful time to have common sense.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.