U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
You Might Also Like
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri