Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
You Might Also Like
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.