Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
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If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!