Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
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oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
From Facebook just now…
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
how to have fun when you’re poor
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.