DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
🔦🌙👣
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently