UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
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When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR