ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
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“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!