ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
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Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.